This article made it’s way into my inbox today. It’s a hilarious satire! written by a downtown Olympia business owner. I posted it here, so my readers on Everyday Olympia can read the whole thing. Open a bottle of wine, it’s worth it.
“This is a dead horse so we’re going to stop beating it,” – anonymous city official.
IT’S OFFICIAL: OLYMPIA ABANDONS DOWNTOWN
Olympia, WA: In a move today that surprised no one, the Olympia City Council officially declared that it would abandon its efforts to revitalize the downtown, one of several resolutions passed at a pajama party held last night at an undisclosed location. “We have been ineffective in trying to salvage downtown Olympia for more than 30 years,” said one of the city council members, “and obviously the place can’t be revived.” Although the voting by the council was declared to be unanimous, council member Karen Rogers appeared to cast a dissenting vote, which was “revised” for her at the last moment by Council Member/Mayor Pro Tem Nathaniel Jones.
As explained by Mayor Stephen Buxbaum, “Each member of the council is like a finger on a hand, seemingly independent, but when grouped together we must form a fist of indomitable strength that none dare defy!”
When it was pointed out that a normal hand only has five digits and the City Council has seven members, Buxbaum responded “whatever, it’s just a metaphor. Do you have something against polydactyl members of our culture? That’s discrimination and we won’t tolerate it!”
“Don’t forget,” added Council member Jeannine Roe, “the fist can hold a pretty flower!”
Noted Council member Rogers, “As you can see, it’s business as usual around here. So I’m at the point where, if they want to burn witches and worship Disney, who am I to argue?“
An additional resolution passed at the sleep-over, apparently after the face-painting and ice cream, was that the Isthmus and a large section of the downtown should be returned to their original pristine condition.
“We’ve decided that the Isthmus and most of the downtown itself needs to go,” stated Council member Steve Langer, Chair of the Land Use & Environment Committee. “After all, it’s really just a landfill done in the early 1900s that added an enormous amount of area to the downtown core. Now it’s pretty much useless: infrastructure that we just don’t need anymore. People need to understand that although the Isthmus looks like a real part of nature, it’s actually man-made, just like my Prius.”
According to Langer, this will set the stage for the development of a unique marine estuarine environmental park intended to draw tourists to the area. Titled the “Olympia National Aquatic Nature Preserve,” it is intended to help revitalize the desperately sagging local economy. In addition to the prospective economic benefit, Council member Julie Hankins pointed out “Just like the Hands-On-Children Experience, I mean museum, the O.N.A.N. Preserve will define how people recognize Olympia, as a great city that loves itself in special ways.”
Local environmental advocates are excited about the possibility of razing the downtown and dredging out the landfill so that the sound can be returned to its natural state “before the coming of the white man.” The most prominent of these grassroots organizations, Flush Olympia Now and Develop Local Environments, was the first to pledge their support for the project. And, as F.O.N.D.L.E. spokesperson Cloaca Seep pointed out: “If we carefully do a partial demolition of the Viewpoint Tower building so that it falls into Capital Lake, the wreckage will eventually create habitat for the recovery of the mermaids and cute talking fish that once thrived in these very waters!”
Former Olympia mayor, activist, and self-proclaimed “Doodlebug Emperor” Bob Jacobs also noted with pride that such a project would secure an unobstructed view of the Capitol building. “This glorious monument to human arrogance should be visible to everyone from miles around,” stated Jacobs, “and serve as a reminder that we must never yield to reason or thoughtful, intelligent compromise.”
City manager Steve Hall heaved a sigh of relief. “Finally we don’t have to pretend anymore. We never had any illusions about actually accomplishing anything downtown in a material sense,” said Hall, “and eventually we got tired of even talking about the need for doing something. It’s pretty simple, really: if we don’t have a vibrant, attractive downtown, then we don’t have to worry about the problems that would cause, and we can focus on more important issues, like trying to figure out how to increase our tax revenue.”
When questions were raised regarding how the glistening new downtown City Hall building would be utilized in this new scenario, Council members could barely restrain their enthusiasm.
“In its soon-to-be new setting, surrounded by a pristine natural environment instead of the current human detritus, we only had one option,” giggled Council member Jim Cooper, “You’ll never guess! We’re going to turn it into an island!”
“With a beautiful long bridge connecting it to the mainland,” added Council member Roe, “We’re having Nikki McClure design posters for it already that has all the Council members in a circle holding hands looking up at the stars, isn’t that great?”
[This satire fondly provided courtesy of the First Amendment!]